You Hurt My Feelings
The road to couples counseling is paved with good intentions.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus drinks her feelings in Nicole Holofcener's You Hurt My Feelings.
Writer Beth (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) is hoping to make a bigger name for herself in the literary world. Her memoir was well received and she’s now a professor at The New School helping foster young voices. Her newest work is a fiction book, but she’s having trouble finishing it.
Beth’s husband, therapist Don (Tobias Menzies), assures her it’s brilliant. He’s read all her drafts and offered her nothing but encouragement. So it comes as quite a shock when Beth overhears Don badmouthing her book.
Evidently, Don thinks it’s terrible, and reading through the drafts has been tedious. Shattered, Beth isn’t sure she can ever trust Don again. His rejection of her art is a rejection of her, and it’s hard for her to see the lie as innocent when it feels so pivotal to who she believes she is. Can their marriage recover from such a revelation? What’s the harm in a little white lie?
The creative process is intensely vulnerable. You spend all this time crafting something, picking out a precise color or word, second-guessing your opinions, and trying new things. Then, when you’ve exhausted your abilities, it’s time to send it into the world…only to have someone dismiss it as terrible. Writer/director Nicole Holofcener captures those feelings of vulnerability and devastation beautifully in You Hurt My Feelings, a dramedy about the moments when you feel inept at the thing you’ve built your personality around. Holofcener reframes a midlife crisis as a crisis of faith in yourself. Instead of buying a Ferrari or seeking out a younger, hotter partner, her characters are considering a career change, questioning the fundamental abilities they thought they had, and maybe looking into some Botox. These are not people hoping to relive their youth, they just want to change how they feel about themselves.
If Beth isn’t a good writer, then what is she? Should she even teach if her most trusted person thinks her book is awful? It’s a staggering thing to consider.
But Holofcener makes sure we understand that this isn’t unusual. Everyone has bad periods, everyone doubts what they're doing. Beth’s sister Sarah (Michaela Watkins) is a decorator who can’t seem to find a wall sconce that satisfies a picky client. Brother-in-law Mark (Arian Moayed) is a barely-working actor who wonders if he’s a burden. Even Don isn’t confident in his therapy abilities, after a few clients that seem frustrated with their treatment.
Whether anyone in the movie is actually good at their job isn’t the point. Holofcener is interested in the little lies we tell each other and how they can either help solidify your bond or spiral into giant lies that can shake your relationships. Don believes he’s encouraging when he tells Beth he loves her book. But when Beth realizes it’s a lie, it rocks the very foundation of her life. If she can’t trust Don, who can she trust?
And while Holofcener debates the merits of total honesty in a relationship, it’s done with surprising kindness and empathy. This isn’t Succession, where barbed comments are the only form of communication. Beth and Don love each other deeply, and neither is interested in hurting the other. So they have to figure out a way forward without causing more hurt. Holofcener dives into how they do that with wry humor and kindness.
Holofcener’s ear for dialogue is what makes the film. Scenes of just two people talking are endlessly entertaining based purely on how she twists a phrase or turns a conversation. The movie as a whole feels like a Woody Allen comedy (in that urbane New Yorkers are talking seemingly endlessly about their problems and relationships) but without the latent misogyny and annoying quirk. Basically, if Only Murderers in the Building is on your must-watch list, you’ll enjoy You Hurt My Feelings.
At the heart of the film is a brilliant performance from Louis-Dreyfus. She must go from the physical devastation Beth feels when she overhears Don to dry quips about her mother’s Tupperware collection. It’s a funny, heartfelt performance that allows Louis-Dreyfus to be a bit more vulnerable than she usually is on screen. Beth is a person who desperately wants to be seen as enough. She cringes every time her mother mentions her memoir could sell more, and overcompensates for her feelings of inadequacy by heaping expectations and praise on her son and his potential writing.
As Don, Menzies offers real empathy to what could be a callous role. Don loves his wife, and he hates that he doesn’t love her book. He thinks his lie and his unflagging support of Beth’s quest to get it published is what a good husband would do. But he’s also fighting his own personal and professional battles that color how he sees the world.
If you’re a fan of smartly observed characters and witty dialogue, You Hurt My Feelings is an excellent watch. It’s the perfect encapsulation of the defensiveness that often sprouts from the creative process and the conversations all couples would rather not have. This is a great movie to see before you buy your significant other another present they’ll have to pretend to like on their anniversary.
Verdict: Slyly observed and beautifully acted, this is a dramedy for grownups with good taste, and maybe a New Yorker subscription.
You Hurt My Feelings is rated R and available in theaters now.
