Argylle

Howard and Rockwell make the most of this spy spoof

Bryce Dallas Howard and Sam Rockwell are on a mission to find a coherent plot in Matthew Vaughn’s Argylle.

Author Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard) has a loyal fanbase. Her popular Argylle series, about the exploits of a suave international spy (Henry Cavill), are bestsellers that often predict geopolitical events. Dedicated readers have Argylle theories and costumes, revering Elly as a literary god.

Her readers assume Elly is living an exciting jet-setting life, but the reality is more mundane. Elly spends her nights alone in her isolated mansion, playing with her cat and obsessively writing more Argylle books. Her grandest adventures are imagining Argylle’s capers. It’s a fairly lonely life, but the highly neurotic Elly prefers the company of her cat to people.

But when Elly finds herself stuck on the ending of her latest book, she decides to visit her parents to reset and recharge her creativity. Unfortunately for Elly, she meets Aiden (Sam Rockwell) and a team of assassins on the train. Aiden blithely dispatches the assassins, explaining that he’s a real spy and a big fan of her work. Her work is so accurate the international spy community has now decided to either recruit her or eliminate her. If she wants to live, she’ll have to trust him.

Is Elly really the victim of a global plot or is her overactive imagination getting to her? Can she trust Aiden? Why is Henry Cavill so flat in every movie?

Let’s get this out of the way now: If Taylor Swift did write this movie, she’s probably better off not taking credit.

There is no reason for a movie this goofy to be over 90 minutes. Director Matthew Vaughn has a tendency for over-the-top storytelling. His Kingsman series is the perfect example. He focuses on set-piece action sequences and fast and loose humor. The result is entertaining enough in small doses but not particularly impactful. Vaughn can never seem to learn when enough is enough, dropping anvils of foreshadowing on the audience and allowing fight scenes to drag on for seemingly eons. A gorgeous battle with neon-colored smoke bombs punctuating the action becomes a pink-and-blue headache after about 3 minutes. There’s also the issue that he seems to be repeating himself and others with his action scenes, one sequence was pulled seemingly directly from The Transporter and his pretty smoke fight seems to be a ripoff of his own finale action scene in the original Kingsman.

Worst of all, Vaughn went for a family-friendly PG-13 rating, which takes most of the bite out of his Looney Tunes-style violence. This renders all the fights silly, instead of tense or interesting. There’s also an odd sparsity to most of the fight sequences — clubs with only a handful of people milling around the perimeter, hallways of baddies who are all evenly spaced — the result evokes COVID filmmaking, where performers had to keep their distance, even on screen.

And while Vaughn draws out the fight sequences, he speed-runs through a plot that is so convoluted, that it beggars’ belief. We’re introduced to spies, spy teams, family members, CGI cats, and random anarchists…none of whom get more than some cursory development. Watching Argylle is like watching Tim Curry sum up whodunit in Clue for 2.5 hours, it’s nearly nonstop plot babble as characters run flailing around rooms. And while communism isn’t even a red herring in Argylle, the number of ludicrous twists that are thrown out every few minutes just make the running time feel longer.

Though the core of Argylle is an overlong deepy silly spy movie, Howard and Rockwell do their best to sell what little story makes sense. They’ve got a nice 30s Screwball chemistry, and when Vaughn isn’t interrupting them with hijinks every 20 seconds it’s a blast to watch them work. Howard in particular has to swing between wide-eyed bewilderment and canny brilliance with dizzying speed. She manages the task well, aided by Rockwell’s natural charisma and ability to sell even the most ridiculous scenarios.

The supporting cast is also filled with gems. John Cena, as Argylle’s backup agent, easily steals scenes from Cavill, who remains Hollywood’s most employable plank of wood. Cena’s performance is the only reason the Argylle fantasy scenes aren’t interminable, as he continues to make a great case for himself as a comedic leading man. Bryan Cranston is having a blast as a Bond-level baddie, growling out lines and gleefully killing underlings. But the biggest standout of the film is undoubtedly Catherine O’Hara who pulls out all the stops (and accents) in a performance so over-the-top Moira Rose would be impressed. When Vaughn steps back and lets his actors play, it’s easy to see the potential of Argylle.

If you’re a fan of spy spoofs, Argylle is a goofy good time marred by a director who can’t bear to edit down his films for time. Argylle is a hilarious 90-minute movie stretched into a boring 2.5-hour action yarn.

Verdict: Much like the pattern that inspired the title, Argylle is convoluted, yet overly familiar. Rent it.

Argylle is rated PG-13 and is available in theaters February 2.