The Worst of 2023
As 2023 comes to a close, let’s take a moment to look back at the movies that made this year seem…longer. These ten flicks run the gamut from Oscar bait that fell flat to the death knell of the DCEU. What can we learn from these films? Mostly, it’s to check out a few reviews before you plunk down money to see a movie. Let’s hope studios and audiences learn a few lessons from these:
Wish
Disney should have wished for a better movie.
Not since Disney slapped some glitter and a bow on a pair of Mickey ears and charged $40 for them with a straight face, has there been such a condescending cash grab targeted toward small children and Disney Adults. Wish isn’t so much a movie as it is Disney patting itself on the back for 100 years of storytelling. And that’s a shame, because Disney has indeed told some beautiful stories over the last century. This, however, is a poorly thought-out, self-congratulatory flick that is little more than an Easter Egg hunt. Wish will remind you of vastly superior Disney films. Everything about this movie — from the forgettable songs to the characters blatantly created so Disney can sell a plush toy — feels like it was developed by a marketing team working off a list of buzzwords.
The Flash
Not even The Flash can outrun the death of the DCEU.
The DCEU didn’t die with a bang, but a Flash. Disney should send the cast and crew of The Flash some flowers because this ignominious entry into the oversaturated superhero genre is the only reason Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania escaped the list. But it’s impossible to ignore the myriad flaws in The Flash, from sloppy writing to silly performances, everything that could have gone wrong, did. First, director Andy Muschietti managed to create one of the most visually unappealing films of the year, with CGI that was laughably bad, another lazy take on the multiverse, and action sequences that felt boring. He also managed to make Michael Keaton’s Batman uncool, which is a crime this millennial will never forgive him for. But the real issue here is Barry. Ezra Miller managed to deliver not one, but two of the most annoying performances of the year. It’s a shame that Miller and Muschietti dragged each other down and all we have to show for it is a badly CGI-ed Nic Cage as Superman and a George Clooney cameo.
The Mother
Jennifer Lopez should have hunted for a better script.
On paper, The Mother should have worked. Jennifer Lopez is an impressive physical actor with the ability to sell fight scenes. Niki Caro is an accomplished director with a reputation for telling nuanced stories about interesting women. So how did we get this gender-swapped Liam Neeson action yarn that’s both boring and silly? Part of the problem is the dialogue, that lands with such a thud it echoes. Part of the problem is Lopez’s styling, which gives her ludicrous makeup and hair extensions for a character who lives alone in a remote cabin where her only encounters are with wolves. The result is a movie that’s nearly painful to watch. Thankfully, it’s also utterly forgettable, so you won’t have to live with the memory of The Mother for long.
Maestro
It’s the end of cinema as we know it and they feel fine.
The term “Oscar bait” is thrown around a lot, and I’m going to chuck it squarely at this movie. The problem here isn’t so much the subject, or even the cinematography, but how entirely insincere everything feels. This movie is Bradley Cooper throwing every awards season trope at the wall and praying something sticks. Famous figure biopic? Check. Unnecessary makeup transformation? Check. Muscular camera work that shows off technique but doesn’t do much for the story? Check. Hell, Cooper even fits in a little tap dance number in case that’ll help his chances. The movie offers no new or interesting insight into Bernstein’s life and doesn’t bother explaining why this music icon is worth a two-hour movie. But the worst part of this movie is Cooper’s gambit will probably work: Maestro is gonna have a robust run during awards season thanks to marketing and its veneer of “prestige cinema”.
Five Nights at Freddy’s
The scariest part of Five Nights at Freddy’s is the fact that it made money.
Not since Vin Diesel mumble-growled the word family in a hackneyed car flick have I felt so checked out of a movie that I was sure would be a hit. Based on a popular video game franchise, Five Nights at Freddy’s is a barely coherent scary movie that will surely only appeal to those who love the games. If you’re unfortunate enough to go into this cold, the scariest bit of the film will be the realization that you have to sit through an hour and fifty minutes of this. Those who love the game will undoubtedly find something worthwhile in the car crash of a movie, but if you’ve never played the game, I suggest checking out Willy's Wonderland, a Nicolas Cage film with the same premise but an actual plot and a few fun scares.
The Creator
Gareth Edwards proves that beautiful cinematography doesn’t make for a worthwhile movie.
Bloated with ideas that have all been on film before The Creator is a rare movie that is both grand in appearance (those IMAX vistas are lovely) and minuscule in thought. Director Gareth Edwards co-wrote the script with Chris Weitz, but the film feels like someone just entered “What if the Vietnam War was a Philip K. Dick novel?” into ChatGPT. Perhaps this fetishization of AI kept Edwards from adding the one element that might have made this overstuffed, cliché-ridden film palatable: Humanity. There is a distinct lack of emotion and connection in The Creator. The plot often feels like an afterthought to the ideas — labeling the futuristic alliance of Asian nations as New Asia is the unobtainium of 2023.
Meg 2: The Trench
You had one job, Meg 2: SHOW US THE SHARK. Instead, we get a poorly written drama about illegal deep-sea mining for nearly 3/4 of the running time. It’s almost impressive how badly this film flubbed the assignment. No one sat down to watch a sequel to a giant shark movie hoping for an eco-warrior flick with dull dialogue and flat acting. We want to see Jason Statham fight a shark and lumber through the world “megalodon”. We want increasingly wacky hijinks as Statham battles his way through a plethora of sea creatures. And while we get there eventually, it’s too little too late. By the time a giant octopus tentacle starts slapping people, most of the audience will be asleep.
Stan Lee
This isn’t a documentary, it’s fan service.
Stan Lee isn’t so much a documentary as it is a hagiography, which casts Marvel Comics’ most recognizable creator as his own form of a superhero. It was Lee who wrote all the stories. Lee came up with every idea. Lee tirelessly turned Marvel into the powerhouse it is today. The frustrating bit in this narrative is that some of it is true. Lee is unquestionably an important writer, publisher, and pitchman for not only Marvel but comics in general. But director David Gelb seems incredibly uninterested in the other legends that may or may not have helped make Marvel the powerhouse it is today. Artists like Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko warred with Lee over who got credit for creations like Spider-Man and The Fantastic Four. While the documentary flirts with these controversies, it has no interest in giving Ditko or Kirby any chance to make their case — they’re simply temperamental creatives who didn’t appreciate Lee’s vision or process. It’s an incredibly insulting film for those who know anything about Marvel, and unfair propaganda for those who don’t.
No Hard Feelings
I still have hard feelings about this one.
No Hard Feelings feels like a dusty VHS tape you’d find on the shelf of an Airbnb. And while it is certainly courting the raunchy comedy aesthetic of the 80s, it’s neither shocking nor funny. The whole thing feels like a rejected Goldie Hawn project that someone punched up so it could add smartphones and references to helicopter parents. The jokes are dumb. The characters don’t make any sense. The whole premise, which could be funny if anyone cared to attempt satire, is just sort of splatted onto the screen with no thought. While technically a film, No Hard Feelings is really pushing the definition. The editing is jarring. Scenes just sort of happen, with no real transition or flow. Background characters pop in and out with no rhyme or reason (keep your eyes on the background in the animal shelter and be amazed at the ghost customer that just materializes!). It feels like production had enough budget for one take of every scene and director Gene Stupnitsky sort of shrugged and tossed the footage to an editor while wishing them the best of luck. It’s not half-baked, it’s not even the ingredients.
Knock at the Cabin
Based on the award-winning novel The Cabin at the End of the World, Knock at the Cabin is a movie that starts well, but ends flat on its face. It’s almost as if by choosing to continue watching the movie, you’re unleashing plagues onto the film, making it worse as each second ticks by. Director M. Night Shyamalan offers up Knock at the Cabin as a sort of Trolley Problem, but before you can really think about the implications of each choice, he goes ahead and solves it for you. This has long been the problem for the director, who seems to fear ambiguity in storytelling more than he fears ghosts or aliens. Shyamalan seems pathologically incapable of allowing the audience to discuss or debate his films. There’s one clear answer, and he’s going to hammer it into your skull until you submit. By failing to shade in his characters or allow any ambiguity in the problem they face, the movie squanders a solid beginning. Instead, we’re left with a movie that offers a flat narrative, poor character development, and an ending that feels condescending.
